Experience:Unknown Dose DOC (Insufflated) - Overdosing and Terifying Ego Death

Experience reports - DOC

• Date: April 2018
• Age: 18
• Sex: M
• Weight: 65kg / 140lb
• Setting: Alone in the woods, at daytime

Report

I'm fairly experienced with psychedelics, especially Phenethtylamines, less so with Tryptamines. I've had very heavy dosages of some, including LSD, DXM, 2C-P and DOM, of which I've never had any serious problems that I couldn't handle, but this experience was the single most intense and frightening drug experience I've ever and nothing I've ever had even slightly compares to this. I've been thrown into a state of madness and fear and for the first time thought I was legitimately dying.

I unknowingly overdosed, alone, which is very bad on it's own, but I can imagine it being way more traumatizing and dangerous if I was around people (especially friends, especially the wrong ones) at the time (this would probably have scarred friendship if anyone I knew saw me and I am very happy today that this was not the case).

I have a ton of experience with DOC, using it every weekend about a year ago, since it's insanely cheap, potent and strong. My highest dose was 8 milligrams oral and my last dose of DOC nearly a year ago was 3 milligrams snorted. Both of these experiences (actually all to an extent) were intensely paranoia-inducing and I was always very scared and uncomfortable around people or alone (I had hidden social anxiety at the time), yet I still chose to do it every weekend, for what reason except being high I don't know.

My reason for this was simply exploring the power of psychedelic amphetamines, what actually lies above the standard doses. I always do my research although I focus more on the good things than the bad ones, which it took some time and a good friend in a similar situation to realize. I guess that's just how addiction slowly reprograms your brain. I will never go back to that place again.

T+0:00 Being the slightly junkie-like person I was back then, I settled somewhere in the woods (which was unusually crowded and windy) and as fast as possible I put my line on my phone, "to be safe" about three quarters of a capsule weighed as 10 milligrams (which was displayed on my scale, but only now I know that such small dosages on scales are practically unreliable, so I have no idea how much was actually in there). Probably one half of a milligram of what was on my phone was also blown away from the wind. I suspect the dose to be anywhere between 8 to 12 milligrams (with analyzing what it looked like eyeballed and what was left in the capsule). Note that I originally planned to take the whole thing...

I snorted. There was no initial burn. Upon looking behind me, there was some guy walking his dog coming towards me, so I quickly got up and went. Pretty sure he saw me but not what I was doing. I put on my beats, decided to play some trap music (say Trapcity etc).

T+0:05 It took about five minutes before I felt anything. Now it started to burn slightly in my nose and in what felt like an instant the visuals just popped up, comparable to what you would see on 200 mics. Already there were strange body sensations and I was unable to talk with the guy from before, which said something to me about his dog being shy and stuff. Luckily he didn't question me anything.

T+0:10 By now I was on top of the hill, had a nice view and then I knew I was tripping pretty hard, but was not dysphoric yet (in fact I don't know what exactly I felt then). Everything looked extremely surreal, colors were way brighter, almost blinding and simplified. There were also some patterns which displayed themselves on the field, transparent lines which swirled into each other. I only have that one image of what the field looked like, but not anything else I looked at, which makes me believe these were the first hints of amnesia or memory encoding failures. The one word I thought of then to describe these visuals was "cheap". Similar to the motive on Hoffman blotters.

T+0:15 I was still walking, I still don't know what I was feeling then, it was kinda an empty, hollow soul within me, no emotions felt, no questions asked. I couldn't feel my whole body and my lips and mouth were getting uncomfortably numb. What I could feel was the burn in the back of my nose which felt very caustic as if my skin starts to crack up and dry out, I had the feeling I was about to get a nose bleed but I didn't which further confused me. I start fidgeting with a piece of paper in my one pocket and the volume buttons of my phone in the other without realizing it. The weather was weird, there were occasional strong winds of coldness and mist, which I couldn't feel but still aggravated me. I got slightly fearful by now, which was probably mostly due to the music, which since I pressed the volume buttons sounded very faint and distant and everything that I did hear were screeches and hollow melodies and bass from the trap (not really happy music).

T+0:20 I had to sit down for a moment. I wasn't myself anymore, looking around I realized that something is wrong, my brain is massively overloaded, and so was my body and vision. I had some Etizolam with me, and Flunitrazolam, of which I took 0.5 and 0.125 milligrams, respectively, which isn't that much. I got up and started walking straight into the woods, where several new effects such as fear, panic and amnesia took me. My actions were now controlled by these. As I started walking i instantly tried to take a final full Etizolam pill of 2mg, but the pill was in a tiny plastic baggie, which zipper was impossible to open. I tried to rip it off but that didn't help much. I didn't know the position of my fingers in space. I kept trying to open it, not realizing I could just chew it or whatever. Eventually it fell down, I tried searching for it but was unable to. The baggie was orange, the floor was white.

As time went on while I was walking I didn't know who or where I was, just that I am in big trouble and am probably dying. The music was now disturbingly quiet so I ripped off my headphones, but this didn't help. Somehow the fact that I was still walking or at least standing kept me convinced I was still alive.

T+0:30 I had my first blackout I believe. I'm pretty sure I was conscious during it but thinking back as to why I was inside the woods I immediately knew there was this short gap in my memory. I didn't know what to do, honestly no idea what you should even do in such a situation. I was basically just standing around mid-road observing the insane visuals, giant comical eyes swirling around me in medium-fast speed, tons of brown birds in the trees which also looked straight out of a comic book. I wasn't blinded but couldn't really see anything either. Suddenly the thought that I might die if I don't get help now strikes me and my goal now was to find someone to call an ambulance. I walked quickly to get out of the forest, while the effects still get stronger and stronger.

T+0:40? My entire field of view is filled with big-sized green and white rectangles, which embedded comical eyes swirling around my center of view accompanied by insane distortion. Strictly 2D but extremely huge in size. They were unavoidable and different from typical geometry, as I didn't know what was actually geometry and what was the insane drifting of the outside world. Delusions overtake me, I somehow had the belief that what I took wasn't DOC, but some failed research chemical which is now going to kill me because this shitty vendor wanted me to. This is probably one of the most horrifying deaths I could imagine. There is no pain, but an overloaded brain which cannot handle anything it perceives, eventually seizing until the load is so big it fries. It's like losing your mind. I had no idea who I was, just that I'm about to die.

I started running in a very desperate attempt to find someone. It was very hard to actually recognize anything, and I actually ran past a few people at a fireplace, only to look back about 400 feet further and then running towards them as fast as I could.

My first line was something I don't remember, followed by "-i need an ambulance". There was some discussion I don't fully remember, but I told them that I'm seriously not feeling good at all. Talking with them was very weird. I was like a child again, only using simple words and being very shy. Somehow I got the feeling they couldn't understand the current situation, I was clearly overdosing and they still kept questioning what exactly the problem is. They called the ambulance and told me to sit down, which I did, putting my face in my hands stooping into my legs. I was feeling less panicked since I knew help was on the way but still I was heavily delusional.

T+?? I blacked out until the ambulance came. The hospital is on the other side of town, it literally must've taken them at least 15 minutes to arrive, but my sense of time then was practically nonexistent, it just seemed so quick, almost instantly. There is one memory of that period of this which is very hard to describe, it's that whatever my current state is is only temporary, and that I will return back to control and then know who I am again. This thought was mixed with a vision of the states, first a line, then a scrambled-appearing green tint and then again a line (symbolizing the initial effects, the part where I was gone and the part where I return to myself). This is very hard to put in words, nor even I can't completely make sense of it. Synaesthesia? I can't say!!!

I've had an acid trip before which also had the initial high, then it turned into a bad trip and then I was feeling good again (roughly), this was what I thought of.

As the ambulance arrived I woke up, looked around me, I thought that now I was back to normal, but this just another delusion. Everyone was still here, their faces very distorted, but one of them I still think I know how he looks like. I again asked in a very slurred manner that I need an ambulance. The guy told me it was here, that this is what I wanted, right? I don't think he was worried in any way and I got the impression he was slightly pissed. I looked back and saw the ambulance driving down the road. Stuff from here on is very blurred in my memory. There are only bits and pieces, and every one does not make any sense nor can I place these in a timeline. I don't remember seeing any of the staff from the ambulance, getting into it, getting out of it, nor anything that happened in the hospital.

Side note: From the reports I've got, somewhere between be getting picked up and me falling asleep in the hospital I was needed to be injected with a total of 3 milligrams of Midazolam IV over three separate doses. My heart rate peaked at 160 BPMs, my blood pressure was negligibly raised, which actually surprised me.

By now I had no idea who is was, nor did I know what reality was. My existence was within hallucinations only. There was nothing I knew about myself, I just existed in this horrifying place outside the main world. Everything is dark and these scenarios just played with me being the lead entity living in this place. Interestingly I did know for example who the voices were that I heard, as well as if something was a human entity or not, or who it was. Maybe this is what you could call an ego death, at least partial.

My memories are as followed, they are very hard to put into words and are possibly just insanity combined with delusions on a psychedelic experience.

My first memory is getting into the ambulance and laying down, there's blood over my arms and I was feeling like shit, when later my body imploded and huge amounts of blood spilled everywhere, everyone was in shock, as if I knew what they were feeling even though I didn't see anyone. Not sure if what I saw was actually my body and the inside of the ambulance or if everything as a whole was a hallucination.

My one friend, who I randomly saw before the trip, plus another one from my school I go were now with me in the ambulance, the first said "hey yo dude" and the latter "wow, cool" and were somewhat enthusiastic about my experience. Me on the other side was very embarrassed that they have to see me like this. Is this what was expected? The kid who does drugs finally overdoses and this is how far he has sunk? Of course that's always how it turns out! And I am that kid!! The ambulance somehow contacted them or something because they needed information from them? They were not actually present.

Now there was mainly just blackness, I was not in the ambulance anymore and have slipped out of reality. I was in a bus and saw my ex girlfriend along with my best friends girlfriend, first my best bro's GF looks at me in a very seducing way (like it's the thing we all as friends do because we like each other), with lots of beautiful eyeliner and a very cartoony appearance, followed by my own ex GF which tried to look at me but I accidentally looked away, when then I looked back and she looked back too. An awkward moment. I could feel her awkwardness alongside mine. Everything looked so unrealistic and dream like, which I cannot put to words. The movements were extremely fluid and very fixed, like how a computer renders animations, how one looks like when played forwards then backwards. The colors were very simple and everything had a rounded edge to it.

Fast forward and I was hearing my ex boss from years ago, whom I pretty much never think of, and my mom crying in the distance while I saw the ambulance I was in driving away from the place I was, but at nighttime. Neither of them were present as well. The crying of my mom really scared me, it sounded like as if she just saw me dying. I also have no idea how I thought of my boss from that place I worked years ago. Why was this hidden memory revealed?

I don't remember what exactly the next scenes were as everything became darker. I heard several different voices of jumbled and unrecognizable words and sentences, "human sounds" of extremely varying speeds, seemingly slowing down then talking three times faster mid-word. I didn't understand a single word. Some I didn't get out of my head since them (not the voices, but the memory of them). I can't describe what they sounded like, nor can I reproduce them, it's only the memory that remains. There were some emotions tied to them when I heard them.

Back into the ambulance, my body has dissolved into my mind and somehow I got the sense that both where the same thing and that we are all the same. I don't remember much that happened then, but every few seconds two separate things (no idea what tho) merged into one and both me and the nurses in the ambulance (if there were any) again realized that everything is indeed everything, while we also questioned "why can you even explain anything?". I was somehow myself and these nurses simultaneously, again, I didn't see any but felt their presence.

T+16:00 I suddenly wake up in intensive care, completely refreshed, no trauma, no anxiety, no bad feelings at all. For the first moments I had no idea how I've got there, but I was sedated and didn't panic at all. Visuals were still pretty strong, although now very beautiful and different from before (similar to moderate dosages). I was seeing a lot of women with my eyes closes (CEVs) as well as shapes and green glows with my eyes open. The people there were really nice to me and asked me where I was, what I did etc, but something told me that inside they were very annoyed and not really happy by crashing into the hospital and staying a night. One guy asked really obvious insulting questions, such as "so, when's the next time?" or "so, when are going home?" while having this convincing grin on his face. I simply answered: "I need to work tomorrow, I'll stay here a bit until I'm fully awake". I spent some time there enjoying every second from 5 AM to 7 AM, just looking at the visuals, not using my phone and whatnot, just enjoying existence as it is. Very refreshing. My belongings were all in one giant plastic bag, notable objects include the piece of paper, which was heavily crumbled while still open, and the remaining capsule, which I am 100% sure was in my jacket pocket, but found it in my backpack. How am I supposed to interpret this? How would I have reacted? Throw it away and feed the kid's drug use or give it to him and feed his drug use?

T+21:00 Visuals still here, I get out of the hospital really fatigued like never before. I drive some bus and then a friend of me simply texted me and I went out with him. The visuals continued to probably the 24 hour mark when they disappeared. It was very exhausting to do anything, especially hanging out in bright weather.

My nose was still burning a lot, especially when moving my nose up. The skin felt very cracked and not healthy at all. This continued for a day or so.

Then the next three days or so I was completely worn out, especially at work I had difficulties performing tasks.

The next weekend I took the remaining DOC carefully, mixed carefully with LSD and had a wonderful time, at the same place on the same substance.

After this I luckily suffered no such things as trauma, flashbacks, HPPD or other cognitive or physical deficits.

I am really glad that I didn't do any permanent damage, and I really noticed how easy it is to just let yourself get caught in these ideas while not paying attention to anything around you. It was a warning sign for me; I didn't learn anything from it, nor did it change me in any noticeable way, besides that I will not be risking my life with such stuff as DOC anymore, I told myself to just be more careful, I still use drugs regularly (although it took a while to slow it down to a lesser extent). Learning from your mistakes is what makes you stronger, not hiding from them, at least for me.

I got what I wanted to know.

Submitted by Anonymous

Effects analysis

• Spontaneous bodily sensations - "Already there were strange body sensations"
• Language suppression - " I was unable to talk with the guy from before"
• Analysis suppression - "In fact I don't know what exactly I felt then"
• Colour enhancement - "Everything looked extremely surreal, colors were waaay brighter and simplified. The one word I thought of then to describe these visuals was "cheap". Similar to the motive on Hoffman blotters."
• Memory suppression - "I only have that one image of what the field looked like, but not anything else I looked at, which makes me believe these were the first hints of amnesia or memory encoding failures."
• Emotion suppression and Thought deceleration - "I still don't know what I was feeling then, it was kinda an empty, hollow soul within me, no emotions felt, no questions asked."
• Tactile suppression and Temperature regulation suppression - " I Couldn't feel my whole body and my lips and mouth were now uncomfortably numb."
• Stimulation - "I start fidgeting with a piece of paper in my one pocket and the volume buttons of my phone in the other without realizing it."
• Auditory suppression and Auditory distortion - "since I pressed the volume buttons sounded very faint and distant and everything that I did hear were screeches and hollow melodies and bass from the trap (not really happy music).
• Cognitive dysphoria and Confusion - "Looking around I realized that something is wrong, my brain is massively overloaded, and so was my body and vision."
• Anxiety - "Several new effects such as fear, panic and amnesia took me. My actions were now controlled by these."
• Motor control loss - "The pill was in a tiny plastic baggie, which zipper was impossible to open. I tried to rip it off but that didn't help much. I didn't know the position of my fingers in space."
• Derealization
• Depersonalization
• Feelings of impending doom - "I didn't know who or where I was, just that I am in big trouble and am probably dying."
• Amnesia - "I had my first blackout I believe. I'm pretty sure I was conscious during it but thinking back as to why I was inside the woods I immediately knew there was this short gap in my memory."
• Environmental patterning - "The insane visuals, giant comical eyes swirling around me in medium-fast speed, tons of brown birds in the trees which also looked straight out of a comic book. Everything centered in the middle and
• Level 3 Drifting was swirling in slow, yet insanely fast speed. I wasn't blinded but couldn't really see anything either."
• Panic attack - "Suddenly the thought that I might die if I don't get help now strikes me and my goal now was to find someone to call an ambulance."
• Level 4? Geometry - "My entire field of view is filled with big-sized green and white rectangles, which embedded comical eyes swirling around my center of view accompanied by insane distortion. Strictly 2D but extremely huge in size. They were unavoidable"
• Delusion - "I somehow had the belief that what I took wasn't DOC, but some failed research chemical which is now going to kill me because this shitty vendor wanted me to."
• Psychosis - "This is probably one of the most horrifying deaths I could imagine. There is no pain, no body load, but an overloaded brain which cannot handle anything it perceives, seizing until the load is so big it fries. It's like losing your mind. I had no idea who I was, just that I'm about to die."
• Stimulation - "I started running in a very desperate attempt to find someone."
• Personality regression - "I was like a child again, only using simple words and being very shy."
• Amnesia - " I blacked out until the ambulance came."
• Time distortion - "It literally must've taken them at least 15 minutes to arrive, but my sense of time then was practically nonexistent, it just seemed so quick, an instant."
• Synaesthesia - "Whatever my current state is is only temporary, and that I will return back to control and then know who I am again. This thought was mixed with a vision of the states, first a line, then a scrambled-appearing green tint and then again a line (symbolizing the initial effects, the part where I was gone and the part where I return to myself). This is very hard to put in words, nor even I can't completely make sense of it. Synaesthesia? I can't say!!!"
• Amnesia - "I don't remember seeing any of the staff from the ambulance, getting into it, getting out of it, nor anything that happened in the hospital."
• Increased heart rate - "My heart rate peaked at 160 BPMs."
• Ego death - "By now I had no idea who is was, nor did I know what reality was. My existence was within hallucinations only. There was nothing I knew about myself, I just existed in this horrifying place outside the main world. Everything is dark and these scenarios just played with me being the lead entity living in this place. Interestingly I did know for example who the voices were that I heard, as well as if something was a human entity or not, or who it was. Maybe this is what you could call an ego death, at least partial."
• Unspeakable horrors - "There's blood over my arms and I was feeling like shit, when later my body imploded and huge amounts of blood spilled everywhere, everyone was in shock, as if I knew what they were feeling even though I didn't see anyone."
• Psychosis - "My one friend, who I saw before the trip, plus another one from my school I go were now with me in the ambulance, they said "hey yo dude" and "wow, cool" and were somewhat enthusiastic. I was very embarrassed that they have to see me like this. The ambulance somehow contacted them or something because they needed information from them? They were not actually present."
• Internal hallucination - "Now there was mainly just blackness, I was not in the ambulance anymore and have slipped out of reality. I was in a bus and saw my ex girlfriend along with my best friends girlfriend, first my best bro's GF looks at me in a very seducing way (like it's the thing we all as friends do because we like each other), with lots of beautiful eyeliner and a very cartoony appearance, followed by my own ex GF which tried to look at me but I accidentally looked away, when then I looked back and she looked back too. An awkward moment. I could feel her awkwardness alongside mine. Everything looked so unrealistic and dream like, which I cannot put to words. The movements were extremely fluid and very fixed, like how a computer renders animations, how one looks like when played forwards then backwards. The colors were very simple and everything had a rounded edge to it."
• Level 5 Autonomous voice communication - "Hearing my ex boss from years ago, whom I pretty much never think of, and my mom crying in the distance."
• Perspective hallucination - "I saw the ambulance I was in driving away from the place I was at nighttime."
• Glossolalia - "I heard several different voices of jumbled and unrecognizable words and sentences, "human sounds" of extremely varying speeds, seemingly slowing down then talking three times faster mid-word. I didn't understand a single word. Some I didn't get out of my head since them (not the voices, but the memory of them). I can't describe what they sounded like, nor can I reproduce them, it's only the memory that remains. There were some emotions tied to them when I heard them."
• Perception of interdependent opposites - "My body dissolved into my mind and somehow I got the sense that both where the same thing and that we all are the same. Every few seconds two separate things (no idea what tho) merged into one and both me and the nurses (if there were any) again realized that everything is indeed everything, while we also questioned "why can you even explain anything?"."
• Rejuvenation - "I suddenly wake up in intensive care, completely refreshed, no trauma, no anxiety, no bad feelings at all."
• Existential self-realization - " I spent some time there enjoying every second from 5 AM to 7 AM, just looking at the visuals, not using my phone and whatnot, just enjoying existence as it is."
• Physical fatigue - "I get out of the hospital really fatigued like never before. Then the next three days or so I was completely worn out, especially at work I had difficulties performing tasks."