Experience:MDMA (750mg, Oral) - Finally Free
Location: My Room/Bathroom, NA
750mg MDMA (Oral)
600ug LSD (Sublingual)
3G Cannabis (Smoked)
3G Cannabis Concentrate (Vaporized)
DMT Cart 60% DMT 40% PG (Vaporized)
Around midnight on Friday, a friend and I decide to take some MDMA (orally) - roughly 150mg each. Within an hour the walls of my bathroom are melting and sparkling at the same time. This is the first time I'd experienced visuals from MDMA, and it just seemed like a happier, brighter version of what I've experienced with LSD previously. Visuals last for a few hours and I decide to hold off on taking any LSD because I'm already experiencing some. The night goes on into the day and all throughout we both continue to ride the MDMA high (sans visuals) with 50-75mg every 4 hours or so until midnight of Saturday rolls around. I talk to my brother all day Friday about the guilt and remorse I feel from our mother passing away many years ago and he tells me to spread some of her ashes and let go of the guilt - I take his advice as he's recently has his own revelations brought on by psychedelic usage. I spread her ashes that evening all around my house, set my intention and prepared myself to face ..well, myself.
At this point, between my friend and I, we have consumed around 500mg of MDMA each throughout the previous day and I'm ready for another big boost in hopes of achieving more visuals. At roughly 1145PM, we both take 125mg each and while we wait for it to take effect, we share a very large joint that's had the rolling paper soaked in concentrate. We enjoy that for 15 minutes or so and put it out halfway. As soon as we finish, we both take 500ug of LSD orally and let it dissolve under our tongues. Around 1245 the MDMA is coming on but the LSD does not feel like it's quite there yet and it usually has by now. For whatever reason, we decide another 100ug is in order - down the hatch. Around 1AM the MDMA and LSD are both very much taking effect. I stare at myself in the bathroom watching the shadows contort over my flesh: they go wherever they want now. After 10 minutes of staring at myself in the bathroom I get bored with it and return to my room, sit down at my PC and start playing some music another very close friend of mine recommended earlier that day (Cigarettes After Sex, amongst others) for my friend and I to enjoy during our trip. At this point (around 2/230AM) I'm so warped from all of the MDMA, THC, and LSD and in such a good mood I'd completely forgotten my intention but it hadn't forgotten me. Negativity creeps into me for a moment but before I can give it a second thought, I forget it.. I try hard to remember what harm I was attempting to bring to myself but I just can't manage to do so and instead of dwelling like I usually would, I let it go and feel a sense of forgiveness briefly. It exhilarates me. It fills me with determination.
It's around 3AM at this point and I notice the DMT pen sitting on my desk, emitting a golden aura as if it's calling to me. My anxiety and hesitation are non-existent now - I take two long draws and hold them in for what feels like 30 seconds and then exhale. I pass the pen to my friend and before I can let go of it, the carpet morphs into complex geometry that words simply are incapable of describing. I see what looks like Mayan/Aztec warriors scrolling across my white bedroom walls, drifting and swirling as they cascade like the most intricate marquee I've ever seen. I continue to observe what appear to be ancient symbols or runes crawling across more and more of my reality. I ask my friend if I'm still conscious and he confirms I am in addition to seeing the exact same things that I am. He passes the pen back and I take two more puffs, longer this time.. and hold them inside of my lungs until I feel like I'm going to lose consciousness. I exhale and instantly all I see is white - it feels as if I've ceased to exist. I'm no longer anything or anyone anymore.
I look around for a moment and all I can see is the brightest white I've ever witnessed, as far as my eyes can see. Somehow, I feel at peace. I look towards my bedroom wall and I see something emerging from the text scrolling across it - initially very small and golden. I've had many trips before but I'd never seen anything quite like this - it was 3 dimensional and being created or materializing before my eyes. Something was coming out of the wall that looked like a fairy but made from the text/runes I was seeing earlier. As this being got closer, I felt my vision focus solely upon it; everything else is pure white at this point. The only way I can think to describe the manifestation is how the Matrix looks from the outside perspective of the monitors with the falling neon green text.. but this text is Marrakesh and it's swirling around in a circle, creating this being before me. The being descends upon me and as it does, grows in size, detail, and intensity until it's right before me, seemingly floating. It looks at me and I begin to feel warm. It slowly floats closer to me until it envelops me completely. From here all I can see is the golden text swirling around me, all I can feel is warmth and understanding. I feel all of my guilt, sorrow and remorse leave my body in an instant. I felt comforted, I felt forgiven. I wanted to thank this being/entity, but before I can react, I hear the words "don't look into the light" and I instantly snap out of wherever I was and back to my room. I see my friend and he is just staring at me in disbelief because this is the first time I appear to have "broken through" after many attempts. I sit quietly for a few minutes, waiting for the text and geometrical shapes/patterns of the DMT to subside. I immediately start crying. It's around 330AM now and for the first time in almost 6 years, I no longer feel the burden that has been quietly destroying me ever since I lost my mother. I notice that I am smiling as I feel the tears flow down my face, something I have not experienced in over a decade. I feel at peace and filled with love. The warmth of the DMT entity's embrace lingers for hours.
Around 430AM I open my external HDD and look at the pictures of my mom for the first time since she passed away without feeling soul crushing sorrow. I smile, I cry, I heal - I can finally look at my mom again. I can honor her memory. I'll never be the same again and I couldn't be happier about it. Not sure how much longer I was going to last living my life in the bottom of a bottle.