Experience:300μg 1P-LSD + 40mg diphenidine - My first psychotic break
- Date: 30 December 2015
- Gender: Male
- Weight: 65 kg / 143lbs
- Age: 30
- Substances used:
- Past experience: I've had quite a bit of experience with these substances but it was the first time I've mixed them. In particular, I've taken 200, 300, and 400 µg of 1P-LSD before.
- Context: I live abroad and I'm in my home city for holidays. This is supposed to be the last evening I'm there. T+00:00 is about 1am.
My cousin and I went to his flat after having some friends at mine. He just moved in, so a lot of stuff is still in boxes, on the floor or on the table. We cleared the table to play Power Grid and started smoking some weed and diphenidine. After roughly an hour and a half we decide to take some 1P-LSD. I go to his bedroom and lay in bed, while I put 3 tabs in my mouth. After some 15 minutes, the paper is losing its consistency and I go to the kitchen for a glass of soy milk to help swallow the tabs. I sit at the table but quickly decided that it was going to be too difficult to continue playing. So I go back to the bedroom and lay in bed again.
I close my eyes and there's a lot of beautiful closed-eye visuals. With the open eye I can see strong tracers and a well-defined, although flat, floating geometry. After that, I just drift into my inner world, closing my eyes for most of the time and opening them very rarely just to check that my cousin was there enjoying the trip as well. Things get a bit confusing. I start feeling a lot of different sensations, all past sensations I think, on all sensory input channels (sounds, touch, shapes, colors, temperature, position, light, emotions, ...)
I open my eyes and check on my cousin; and I feel grateful for sharing this experience with him. I feel our life-long friendship is only deepened and strenghted by sharing the magic and sacred psychedelic experience that unfolds inside and around us. I think he's concious now of that thing that's always there, around us, that the psychedelic experience allows us to see. I close my eyes and come back to the non-stop flow of sensations.
These sensations come back to me with a "realisation": that the more I experience one of them in that flow, more of that sensation I'd have in my life. They come in pairs, cold and hot, dark and light, and I have to choose. Contradictions start arising in my thought stream and it's very difficult to decide between them. One of them becomes particularly strong: to leave my home city or to stay. Every time I open my eyes I realise it's getting brighter and brighter, and I remember I told my mom I'd return her car by 10am. I "see" in a sort of dream that I'm driving to my parents' place. In this dream I somehow become sure that I'd die that day. That it's unstoppable. That everything is a film and the film got to start again. That somehow the end would be very painful, but I've got to go through it. That perhaps if I do the right thing at the end of the tape I could stop time going back to the 80's. That perhaps this time I got the knowledge needed to stop the cycle.
The dream stops and I stand up and tell my cousin that I have to leave. He says there's no point and I agree and sit at the table. I say something like "and yes and no, and wait and not". While sitting, I decide I'd much rather stay, but my mind lets me know that that's not an option: I'm going to die today. (This is not the first nor the last time I decided I'd prefer to stay.) So I say "I've got to leave" and stand up again. My mind reminds me "it'll get awful at the end" and I understand that I'll have to struggle with my beloved cousin, one of the most important persons in my life and whom I love like a brother. I start looking for my sandals and keys, but I find none of them. I think my cousin tells me something to try to make me understand that I shouldn't leave. I ignore him and just leave the flat and call the lift. He comes and brings me back inside. I leave again and this time, when he's outside trying to bring me back, I close the door of his flat. So we are locked out (later he would have to call a locksmith to open the door).
He decides it would be good to knock at the door of a neighbour. While my cousin waits for the neighbour to come to the door, I call the lift again. I get on and press to go the ground floor. My cousin sees me and blocks the door while he explains to the neighbour what happened. They both come downstairs with me. I get to my mom's car, not sure if I had to struggle with my cousin to get there or not. By this point I knew I didn't have the keys. I tell my cousin that I know I'm going to die that day and it's going to be awful. I also knew that I had to do something different "this time" to "stop the cycle". That at some point I would have to do something magical. Something that the rational world wouldn't allow. So I try to "jump" inside the car as if I could magically go through the car's door. Obviously, it didn't work and I hit my face and body in several parts.
I'm giving up, I don't know what else to do or how I'm supposed to die. I sit on the floor next to the car in semi-lotus position, waiting for my death to come. I tell my cousin that I'm happy that I'll die next to him. Suddenly, another idea comes to my mind: maybe I could magically go through the parking lot's exit gate and just walk to my death. So I stand up and start running to the exit gate. They come after me and stop me. I think at this point I punch my cousin and the neighbour in the face. They keep saying things to try to calm me down.
I sit in semi-lotus position again and start waiting for my death to come again. I feel like everything is going according to "plan", that is, according to the previous "showing of the film" due to a constant feeling of dejavu (since the beginning of the trip). I grab my cousin's hand and collapse as if I had just died. But of course I didn't. At this point the gatekeeper comes to help my cousin. I think then my cousin asks me if he should call an ambulance and I reply "yes, I'm gonna die, call them". "Are you sure?" he asks. "Yes, it will happen" I say.
During this time that we are waiting for the ambulance I imagine how my death might occur: I imagine a car going out of the parking lot and crashing with my head. Then the newspapers saying that yet another idiot died on LSD. I wished I could do something about it, but fate had been already written for me. The car never came, but instead the ambulance and my family arrived at the same time. They put me on the stretcher and then get me on the ambulance. My mom comes with me. I was still sure that I had to do something different this time, so I started taking off the catheters that the paramedics were putting on my veins. I told my mom that I'd die and that it was going to be really difficult as I started crying. The last thing I remember is tearing up a blue plastic bed sheet. After that they probably sedated me into sleep. When I woke up I couldn't believe that my memories of the morning were real. It all seemed like part of a very strange nightmare. I checked if I wasn't maybe still dreaming and the whole story was a dream but it wasn't. My whole family was there in the hospital when I woke up, asking me a lot of questions.
This is the account of what I remember and am able to put somewhere in the linear passing of time. Some other things I remember but don't know when exactly they happened.
Submitted by - Rhz
- Tracers - " I can see strong tracers "
- Geometry - "a well-defined, although flat, floating geometry."
- Spontaneous tactile sensations - "I start feeling a lot of different sensations, "
- Delusion - "These sensations come back to me with a "realisation": that the more I experience one of them in that flow, more of that sensation I'd have in my life. They come in pairs, cold and hot, dark and light, and I have to choose."
- Internal hallucination - " I "see" in a sort of dream that I'm driving to my parents' place."
- Feelings of impending doom - "I somehow become sure that I'd die that day. That it's unstoppable. That everything is a film and the film got to start again. That somehow the end would be very painful, but I've got to go through it."
- Déjà vu - "due to a constant feeling of dejavu "
- Psychosis - "I'm giving up, I don't know what else to do or how I'm supposed to die. I sit on the floor next to the car in semi-lotus position, waiting for my death to come. I tell my cousin that I'm happy that I'll die next to him. Suddenly, another idea comes to my mind: maybe I could magically go through the parking lot's exit gate and just walk to my death. So I stand up and start running to the exit gate. They come after me and stop me. I think at this point I punch my cousin and the neighbour in the face. They keep saying things to try to calm me down. "