Experience:20mg Heroin - The Last Time I Shot Up
- Date: December 2016
- Gender: Female
- Weight: 45 kg / 100 lbs
- Age: 20
- Background: I had been on a 6 month heroin bender and had just come back from a differential equations exam. I was suicidal, there were multiple problems in my personal life that I had been trying to escape from that culminated in this experience. I am documenting this so that someone who is in as much pain as I was at the time may have a chance to step back and think about the harm one can inflict on the body and mind.
This is not a traditional trip report. This chronicles the reckless drug use that I had been engaging in as a means of escape at the time.
Getting Home - I had been on heroin or some other opiate for every single differential equations class and had a B going into the final. Due to personal relationship issues, I relapsed hard during finals and neglected my coursework. I failed the exam and I knew it. The drive home I was planning on shooting up the last bit of black tar heroin I had. My state of mind was one of self-loathing and I lacked any care for myself in the present or the future.
First Try - I weigh out 20mg of black tar, follow the procedure in the safe injection guide and try to I.V. I tie off my upper left arm with a modified piece of cloth. I do not sterilize the injection site. I do not use fresh water. I do use a fresh needle. I do use a cotton filter for the heroin, but not a micron filter. I had no consideration for my health or well-being at the time. I inject myself. I pull the plunger back and do not see blood, I am not in a vein. I decide that I am too upset and need to calm down so I can find a vein.
Second Try - Using the same needle, I inject myself again. I pull the plunger back, and I do not see any blood. Dammit, I think to myself, missed again.
Third Try - Using the same needle, I inject myself again. I can feel that the needle is duller now and I know that I cannot miss again as this is my last needle. I pull the plunger back and see blood in the barrel of the syringe, finally. I push the plunger down slowly and exhale. All of the stress of being a failure, both figuratively and literally, melts away into the bliss of an I.V. heroin rush.
Afterward - I am finally numb. The euphoria does not bring happiness, it only relieves me from pain. I distinctly remember wanting to die at the end of this and being ashamed at my own disregard for my health.
I ended up failing the class, of course. This is the last time I did heroin. This substance is a bury-your-head-in-the-sand type of drug. It does not help you, it only hurts you. It is akin to someone that will take and take and take, but will never give. I hope that someone in my situation may read this and re-evaluate what they are doing and why they are doing it. Heroin, although blissfull, is a poison for the body and mind. I almost gave up my life for this drug and I regret this experience immensely.
- Physical euphoria
- Cognitive euphoria
- Appetite suppression
- Respiratory depression
- Compulsive redosing
I had been using for weeks at this time, so withdrawal was intensified by I.V.ing the last of my heroin.