So here is my trip report, written the day after I took it. Where do I begin? Suffice to say that I had a miraculous and beautiful trip last night. Having just had a rough experience the day before with a dose that I realize now was too high for me I switched to 3mg rue and 4.5mg acacia confusa (I had tried 9mg before). And it was beautiful.
First off I realize that I had a couple things going in my favor that day, which helped lead me to the rejuvenating and fascinating experience I had. I had previously failed to appreciate the effect on mood on a trip. I had a good day at work then came home and took a long 3hr nap. I was exhausted before but woke up feeling great. Around 8PM I took my rue and around 850 I took the acacia. To pass the time, I played a game of LoL with a friend. The game didn’t go terribly well, and I understandably wasn’t playing spectacularly.
The body-high set in around 35 minutes in, a pleasant glow although admittedly slightly uncomfortable. It was becoming harder to stay focused. Sometimes the bodyhigh, especially when accompanied by nausea, can be quite uncomfortable but it was nice. And I was giddy knowing the effects were going to kick in soon. After the game ended, I stayed on Skype with my friends, they wanted to play another game but I knew that I couldn’t, I could sense that a)it was going to be an enjoyable trip (although this sense hasn’t always been accurate for me) and b)that I was not going to be in any state to play a game that required concentration and would punish me if I had to stop in the middle of it. So instead I leaned back in my chair and let the effects wash over me.
At this point the body-high was very comfortable, but I was fidgety. Each new position felt immensely comfortable, and I kept awkwardly sighing over Skype. The intense nausea that I had experienced before was gone, which helped immensely. I felt this urge to lay by my heater, it looked warm and inviting. So, I slid out of my chair and made my way towards the heater, lying on my back with it above my head. I was like a dog lying next to a fireplace, comfortable and content. The room was dim but the noise and lights from my computer and heater (not to mention my friends in Skype) were starting to feel like distractions, and I decided I wanted to lay in bed, in the dark, and enjoy the ride. I fashioned a blindfold to block out any light and wore my headphones playing an artist I had been planning to listen to on my next trip, Working For A Nuclear Free City.
With the mood set I laid down and let the trip engulf me. And engulf me it did. Before that night, I had been disappointed by the lack of visuals and hallucinations I had experienced on ayahuasca. Now I realize I was simply making the mistake of not isolating myself from the external stimuli (mostly light) that interfered with them. The trip was spectacular, and I feel like I found my perfect dose. So started something beautiful, a journey through my mind. My mind was racing, experiencing spectacular visuals and geometry, seeing a significance in each pattern, feeling connected to each visual. They were strong, if not quite where I think they could be in terms of intensity. It was enough for me to dismiss doing anything else besides laying down and experiencing the beautiful ride. Laying down also helped with any nausea, which I only felt when I had to get up to do this or that (such as use the restroom).
The trip turned towards my memories, powerful things they were (are). I felt like I was dreaming, in that my visualization and immersion in these memories was much deeper than I had previously experienced. When I say memories, some were exact memories, but most were places or things or people that I could experience with incredible detail and beauty. At one point I found myself remembering a camping ground I had visited many times before. I could feel the gravel beneath my feel, the sun above, see my environment around me with impressive detail. It wasn’t quite life-like but it came close a couple times. I completely forgot for most of the trip that I was lying in bed (the thought seemed absurd), due to the beautiful experiences I was having, the amazing places I went to.
Mixed in with these places and experiences I was having were beautiful visuals and geometry. They usually came in the form of art, and I spent a good deal of time imagining dozens of pieces I wanted to draw, paint, or otherwise recreate. Ever since I have started aya, it has made me crave drawing and expressing myself through art, something that I had always had trepidations doing because I was insecure with my abilities. Especially when I was tripping, I felt infinitely creative, and knew that I could translate that into art regardless of my technical ability. I appreciated that many things took effort, that I couldn’t get discouraged so easily when I failed at doing something without the necessary practice or training. Be it art or writing or exercising or otherwise, I realized that if I wanted to pursue something I had to be relentlessly optimistic, and I knew that I could be. I also got the intense urge to take care of my body and treat it well. I have had this feeling before, but it was somehow more obvious this time. I wanted to start exercising, I wanted to eat well, I wanted to stop putting junk in my body, which for me mostly pertains to food. And all these feelings have persisted long after I have come down.
I thought a lot about who I am, wondering if I was or am a good person. And wondering how I could improve myself. I wanted to improve in expanding my mind by learning. I also thought about how my coworkers and friends saw me, and how I could better my relationships with them. I also realized the boundaries of who I was, and instead of setting impossible expectations based on someone I wanted to be, I knew that I could make small changes well within who I was to help. I thought about my friends a lot, hoping they were happy, concerned for some and excited for others. Relationships are very beautiful and I am privileged to have those that I do.
I switched my music after a while to nature sounds, which facilitated the trip excellently. I love the sound of rain. Eventually though, I stopped the music and laid there in silence, blindfolded, letting my mind carry me through this awesome journey. My bond with Felicia was strengthened ten-fold. I could feel her easily, even though I was prone to getting distracted by the trip. We talked for awhile, reliving some of our good times together and revelling in our increased ability to communicate.
This has persisted long after I have come down as well. Our progress is equivalent to what took me months to achieve before. Gone were any doubts about her or me. I wasn’t able to work much on visualization but communicating with her is much much easier now. And I am confident that possession (which I have had increasingly positive results with even though I haven’t pursued it much) and imposition (which is still probably a little while off) are not only within the realm of possibility, but stages I am confident we can reach. Felicia and I both agree that I need to practice imposing, or at least work on visualizing her more in the real world so she doesn’t have to be just a voice in my head. As for visualization, I can see her with great detail when I am focusing on her, my next biggest step will just be integrating her into my life and environment more than I am currently doing, until it becomes 2nd nature. Of course, some of this is on her end, historically it has always taken effort on both of our parts to make progress.
At one point, she was laying next to me, and I could “feel” her hand in mine. One interesting sensation that I have felt somewhat pertaining to my tulpa was the almost blurring of my senses with the trip I was experiencing inside my head, since the trip was engaging my senses to create incredibly real environments. I felt like it was a small bridge between what I heard or thought about vs actually hearing these things. The same was true for sight and touch and smell. I was actually craving a salad at the time, and could “eat” a salad based off my memories and knowledge what it would taste like with remarkable realism. Felicia laid next to me at one point, and I could feel her hand in mine. Just like that salad I could feel her almost like an incredibly vivid and recent memory.
I came down gently. The visualizations and geometry gave way to incredible mental clarity and accelerated thought, not to mention fascination and mindfulness. The visuals faded to a muted quality that was still present 4-5 hours later. The mental clarity and rejuvenation persisted until I fell asleep, even if the accelerated thought had faded almost back to normal by that point. I did have trouble falling asleep, feeling ready for it as soon as 12 or so, but I didn’t actually fall asleep until 2:15 or so, with the help of some Nyquil that I knew I was going to have to take to sleep. I was ridiculously comfortable the whole trip, engulfed in the body high and my soft blankets. The trip felt like many many hours, a day even (and the sense of time distortion was especially strong at the peak).
Another important aspect of the trip is how I felt today, after I came down and rested. I feel incredibly rejuvenated mentally, life is beautiful and fresh and exciting. I went running for the first time in months. I didn’t feel the urge to eat much junk food or candy, instead opting for food that would make me feel great, even if they weren’t the sugars and carbs I’ve been known to crave. I ate healthy all day without really giving it much thought. Basically, it changed my mindset, got me out of a few bad thought-loops that I fell into, which were dragging me down. I can communicate much better with Felicia. I handled actually a remarkably busy and potentially very stressful day but I felt somewhat immune to the stress that I have fallen prey to before. Overall, the experience was rejuvenating, fascinating and beautiful, if not life-changing, certainly something I won’t ever forget. It was one of the best experiences I have ever had and certainly the best drug related experience, and it has left me feeling spectacular. <3